Hi my name is Teresa and I am a planner. Not a regular planner. No, like an uncomfortable, need to know what’s happening and where I’m going at all times, check my paperwork 4 times before committing the info to my brain, and still nervous planner.
I don’t know what it is about me that feels the compulsive need, but I haven’t been able to shake it. It’s hard for me to not know what’s happening, I know I need the control of something or everything feels like pure chaos.
But, I recognize that life isn’t about control. When I worry about each moment, I miss out on all the moments that could be. The true beauty of what life has to offer flies right by me as I’m checking my paperwork...just one more time.
So, I’ve decided to cut it out and get my life together! I’m going to take a trip of spontaneity and see what happens. Why the heck not right? It’s time to be present...not just where my itinerary said I was.
I wrote this on my iphone notes app back on February 6th 2019. This wasn’t the beginning of my journey back to me. I had already been working hard on remembering who I was. However, reading it now, shows me that I was still not as happy as I wanted to be then.
It’s funny when you find things written in the past and yet they are still so relevant. I can see how much I've grown since then and now.
And these are still thoughts I have sometimes. Am I still a planner, god yes! Will that ever change? Probably not. Does it need to? No...not entirely.
The reality is, that my childhood and teenage years were chaotic. I’d been (and still am) working on healing my trauma and forgiving what I can. My need for control and planning was a survival technique and it’s served me well. It helped me continue to stay alive and function.
What I know now though, is that I’m not that girl anymore. I can put all that “need” down because I’ve created a life I am proud of. I don’t have to control or know every part to be okay.
Do I still want to know? Yeah, duh! LOL! But, I don’t have to know it all to be able to move forward.
I wanted to share this in case any of you are feeling stuck in the cycle of needing to control. Maybe you’ve even had the exact same convo with yourself.
Are you ready to let it go? I hope you do when the time feels right to you.
Let’s not miss the moments that are right in front of us…we’re not promised the next one.