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Who I've always wanted to be

So, here’s the gist. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. And for a short amount of time in my life, I considered myself one.

I used to write poetry (hello serious teenage angst years!), wrote for my college newspaper, and am sure that I have 300 different book ideas inside my head that I just haven’t allowed to live outside of me.

I have gone through a tremendous amount of shit in the last 11 years which has shaken my already superficial foundation. I lost my mother, while being 6 months pregnant with my youngest daughter. And then lost my father 3 days before her 1 year death anniversary. And I was 30 with two young kids.

To say that it was a difficult time would be the most PG version I could share. I struggled. And the truth is that some days I still struggle.

I’ve been on a journey. A journey back to me and who the fuck that lady is! I had a lot of dreams when I was a kid and lots of ideas on how and where my life would end up. And some of them happened...but not all of them.

I struggled as a teenager with understanding who I was. I hated my body and put it through a lot of pain and scars. And I wasn’t happy at home. I always pride myself on making it through; as if my survival badge is enough to justify how I learned to define myself. But, I wasn’t happy. Everything that I wanted for my life I wasn’t allowed to choose. And from there I learned how to show up everyday making everyone else comfortable and happy...instead of me.

I learned to have an amazing mask; and she worked hard for me. Until, I lost my parents and didn’t even know who I was anymore.

Losing parents rips your identity right from underneath you. It was also the first time I realized life is short and I didn’t want to keep hating every day. My partner can tell you, this was a hard time for me. I was mad at work, mad at home, and was overwhelmed in every definition of the word.

So after some stupid choices (everyone is allowed to make’s how you clean it up and do better that matters!) I started doing some inner work. I explored, I tried new things, and started defining the Teresa I wanted to be moving forward.

It was a messy project y’all. But, I’m definitely proud of where I’m standing. Because I crawled and fought my way to get here.

Which leads me to this (now longer than I expected blog), I want to write! So, I’m putting myself out there and doing it. I’ve decided to step through my fear and do what I love to do.

I want to write stories and talk about my life. I want to continue to explore, have fun, and find new ways back to who I always wanted to be. Because I deserve it. Because I have finally realized that I am worth it. The good/bad messy/fantastic Teresa in front of you deserves to do any goddamn thing she wants to do.

So here goes...

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